If you haven’t had a chance to read through the comments on last week’s post on adoption, I commend them to you. If you are one of the people who contributed to that conversation, thank you. You’ve helped me to clarify some of my own thinking on the issue, and you’ve prompted further reflection.
So where am I now? I should explain first that for the past few months, every time I have thought about having another child, I wondered if I should feel guilty. I haven’t actually felt guilty, but I’ve wondered if I should. I wondered if it was irresponsible to have biological children given the number of orphans in the world. I wondered if we were simply doing our part to contribute to overpopulation and global warming. And so I wondered if this desire to have children, biological children, was merely that: biological. I wondered whether it was a vestige of our evolutionary past, to be overcome by prayer, by the Spirit.
I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not.
There shouldn’t be orphans in the world. It’s a simple statement, and yet one I hadn’t realized before we began this conversation. The truth of the matter is, parents shouldn’t abandon their children. Parents shouldn’t die. If and when they do, there should be family members who can incorporate the children into their family.
Of course, the reality is that there are orphans. There are abandoned children. The need is there, although it shouldn’t be.
So recently, I have come to believe that this desire for biological children is a God-given one. “Be fruitful and multiply,” God commanded in Genesis. Or consider that, as one friend pointed out to me today, all the barren women in the Bible pray for and receive a biological child as an answer to their prayers. Biological children are a gift from the Lord. The desire for them is a good one, a God-given one.
So when I feel torn between the desire for another biological child and the reality of orphans in the world, it is a holy tension. Children are a gift. Take care of the orphans. I’m not sure how this will all work out in our lives. For now, we’ll do our best to show Penny and William God’s love and grace. For now, we’ll support our new friends Eric and Holly Nelson (Special Hope Network) as they start an organization to provide for orphans with special needs in Africa.
Bearing children. Adopting. Either way, I will, I hope, be participating in God’s work in this world.
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4 comments:
Hi Amy Julia,
I know you haven’t the faintest idea of who I am, but before I respond for the second time to your post, I want you to know that I subscribe to your blog because I enjoy reading it so much. I have found your writings on the internet in other places as well and have been moved to tears by what you have had to say. I enjoy your depth and sensitivity in your exploration of meaningful topics. Thanks for letting me dialogue with you here on this specific topic.
I will try my best to be sensitive on this very difficult topic, and I ask that if I unintentionally offend you or anyone, that you try to give me the benefit of the doubt regarding my meaning, or be willing to engage in dialogue with me despite my shortcomings or nearsightedness.
Before going on, I want to say that I really do believe that it is good to want to have biological children, but that I think (I am not sure) that it may unfair to look at the examples of women in the OT and compare or justify our desires to have children as Americans in the 21st Century. To have biological children was their primary way to serve their family, their clan and their nation. Without biological children a woman was basically a failure and could hope for little or no economic stability in her future. This is not our situation now.
We are to be fruitful and multiply, but for Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply not only meant to multiply biologically, but also spiritually. The earth is now filled with people, but we can multiply our lives spiritually in adopted children as well as in biological.
I am not suggesting that anyone that desires to have a biological child and can does not have that right. I am just suggesting that we consider the freedom that we have in our current context to forfeit that right. I will also go so far as to suggest that those who cling too tightly to that desire risk (risk) making it into an idol that can distort their thinking and control their lives. But this is true of anything, so perhaps it goes without saying…
Peace,
Christine
I discuss the possibility of adoption with my boyfriend, I would imagine relatively frequently compared to most. It is always a "hot topic" and one that leaves both of us unsure of our future. I will not marry someone who will not consider adopting. That's simply my stance. My boyfriend on the other hand feels strongly about continuing some sort of blood line. While I can agree with desiring a child from our own flesh and blood, I cannot discount the desire to love those who have been abandoned and left feeling unloved and unwanted. We are told "the greatest of these is love," and I think that if we have the ability to show love to those who are not receiving it, then we should, perhaps by adopting into your loving family.
Christine,
It is so nice to "meet you" online, and I have really appreciated your comments on this topic. I think you bring up two very important points when you mention idolatry and also when you mention the difference between our historical context and the Biblical one.
I think it comes down to a real and God-given desire for biological children, a good desire. And yet, any good desire can be distorted. To paraphrase Augustine, all that is wrong with the world is disordered loves--loving things too little or too much. If we love the idea of a biologically-conceived child too much, we fall into idolatry, despair, and potentially forfeit something very good that God has for us in the provision of a child through adoption.
At the same time, we can't presume that a couple facing infertility is therefore destined or chosen by God to adopt. For people like me, with biological children, and for those who have not been able to conceive--all of us should be asking ourselves, before God, if and how our family should grow.
Thanks again for pointing out some more nuances in this issue. I appreciate it!
Amy Julia
Thanks, Amy Julia. I like your added points. Nice to meet you, too!
Peace, Christine
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